Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
