I haven't been this sober since birth.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
