My girlfriend figured out who you are.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
