someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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