Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
