I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
