I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
