can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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