she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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