is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
