Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
