If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
