I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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