im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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