Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
