please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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