there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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