Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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