atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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