Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
