Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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