Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
