I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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