Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
