It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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