Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
