I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
