Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
