saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
