he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
