I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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