My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
