where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I met the friendliest cop last night
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
