He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
