It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
