she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
