What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
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