Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
