I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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