Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We have so much sex to catch up on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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