I'm so fucking centered right now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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