So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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