You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
