Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
