I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
