apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
