Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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