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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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