'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
