It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
