i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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