I didn't shave. On purpose
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
