the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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