My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
