Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She announced her abortion via fbk
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
