Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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