My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
