Your mouth is God's brothel.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
