Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize