Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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